lostchyld

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This post is for lostchyld's friends users only!
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This post is for lostchyld's friends users only!
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This post is for lostchyld's friends users only!
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i have a busy weekend planned tomorrow if its not as freezing cold here C & i are going to go door to door selling gs cookies….. her goal is 400 boxes and so far we have close to 200 sold… then on Sunday is church then she is performing at the local hs gym…. i can’t wait to see her cheerdance routine. my nephew will also be there doing hiphop i need to charge my camera up i plan on taking alot of pics .

not sure what else to write so L8r

Work went okay my 32 hour check suckd at least next week i’ll have a 40.5 hour check..
after i picked up C from skool she had cheerdance i love watching her dance its soo cute this is a new class the dance stuido has this year for K-2nd graders. they also have an extra practice time set up since they are preforming it the 18th. i’m not worried about how she will do as long as she has fun.. we are going to put her blonde hair up in pigtails and then curl them…thier rectial is the end of april.

after dance i had to pick up the cookie forms for my daughter to sell gs cookies fun fun not! lol i refused to let her set her own goal by picking out which prize she wants…heres a big hint no way no how am i sellin 500+ boxes just so she can have this little dinky digital camera… we’re going to try and sell 200-300 boxes i’m soo hopeing for some nice warm days to go door to door i’m not going to hold my breathe on it happing tho since it started freezing with sleet that turnd into snow fun fun.. so wish me luck lol.

i did end up giving Ash $$ i tried to take his name off my account but they woodnt let me with out his signature…..yeah rite as if he wood sign off his access to free $$…sigh.. live & learn rite?> since our fight we still arent really talking he acts like it never happend i’m not sure how or what to think.. i talked to his mom some she doesnt want me and the girls to leave… she also wonders if he hasnt gone back to using i told her i didnt no…..tho he has in the past year used ice + pot. maybe i should have told Mary that but i didnt lie to her as far as i no he isnt doing drugs other then alcohol.

i still have nitemares i was hopeing since my uncle died the dreams wood die with him.. i’m glad he’s dead even if he died way to easy. at least now i dont have to keep feeling guilty for not having the strenght to come forward and tell to try to stop him from abusing other kids. my mom still isnt talking to me how long will she stay angry with me.. maybe i should have gone to his burial??

theres alot of things going on in my life i’m trying to focus on the good and ignore or push away the bad. when i’m able to afford to go back to councelling i’m going to ask mrs s about the images i’ve been gettin could possibly be repressed memorys it scares me to think they could be my memories and if they are i hope this doesnt mean i will start remembering more of my chyldhood…. for the most part its a blur i dont have too many memorys before 13… tho i do remember trying to kill myself at 8. sometimes i wonder if i had succeded wood they have found out about the sexual abuse?
mostly i try not to think about what if’s….

Tomorrow is church and depending on how my dad is feeling i might take the girls out to the farm to spend some time with him. my dad has terminal bone cancer since they started him on double dose’s of chemo it has really aged him every time i see him its like a shock to me he has lot his full head of silver hair whats left is very thin dull gray.. he is slowly losing weight….

one of his biggest joys is seeing Ryleigh she loves her grandpa and he has the speical honor of being one of the very few people she will happily go to from my arms. R has him wrapped around her little pinky lol.
not sure what else to write so L8r Lost.

today at work went okay i was stuck running a press for 90 mins thankfully the teamleader(tl) moved me back to painting galvinized (sp) welds.. one of the welders kept looking at me and finally she came over and said ok i no u from somewhere but where.. turns out i new her younger brother talk about a blast from the past as we last seen each other at her brothers funeral.. we’re going to try and have work stations near each other again tomorrow so we can bs part of the boring day away lol.
i got 30 mins ot today since i joined activites group. i signed up to volenteer for 3 or 4 diff things during the year.
my bf Ash is pouting right now i think hes also in shock i told him i’m broke so i couldnt buy him more booze i guess he should A. either go get a job. haha funny funny or B. haved made the 18 pack he made me buy him monday last a little bit longer. my net aunt told me i needed to start out slow and start standing up for my self & stop giving him $ 50-60 every week.. i told her i am tired of this reverse chyldsupport where i pay him & take care of our daughters needs….. finally after 13 months i’ve gotton to the point of resenting his constant using me.. its hard for me to not give in but then i tell myself if i say i like honesty so much then why am i lying to myself that he really loves me.. the sad thing i’m discovering is i’m not sure how much he loves our daughters….. so i’m just going to keep telling myself i’m not doing anything wrong its okay for me to save my last $20 i have untill friday in case either C or R needs anything and with a 13 month old most peeps no they need alot. lol i really wish i could make some of my posts just friends so i could show off my 2 girls but i’ve always felt major uncomy with strangers being able to see my kidz. maybe its because of the abuse i lived threw duno and i guess it really doesnt matter.
its 9pm & both girls are sound asleep i’m half watching a tv show on lifetime… i think i’m going to go read some journals before i crash in a hour….
ttfn Lost.

Tomorrow i have to go back to work after being off since Dec 22nd. i’m sooo not looking forward to it if i was going back to my normal work dept i woodnt mind or even the dept i was shipped to in oct. but i hate hate hate dept 04 i cant stand the so called teamleader hes a mega creep!! i am seriously thinking of going and asking about taking vol layoff.. i have been thinking alot about it and i think if i was carefull i could survive on the $274 a week for one thing no more daycare….and the pluses i think outweigh the negs …. on the plus side being able to take C to skool & spending all day with R.. not having to be mega stressed out. not having to breathe nasty welding fumes and paint fumes also a plus…. on the neg side having to depend on the factory picking up before my 6 months were over….you no i cant really think of anymore negs to taking vol layoff. well i guess still being with an alcoholic bf who has no plans at all of growin up and maning up.. i guess wood fall into the neg catergory also…. decisons decisons something i need to make alot of and the thing i suck most at doing…. seems like i never make the rite choices… tho i guess in the end i normaly do what is right for my girls soo maybe i just need to have a little more faith in myself. i think in 2009 i need to start trying to stand up for myself,make my own decisons.guess we will see how things work out.

Today was a great day my sister came up with her 4 girls. Cammy played with her 2 older cousins on the xbox360. my sis and i wacthed the gaterbowl game omg it was a great game! we were both drinking and we kept telling the tv come on huskers your making us drink lol… we had bbq roast sandwitchs mine was plain i’m wierd i dont really care for bbq sause lol.. my sister and i decided we are going to do this every year.. after Nebraska won the bowl game 26 to 21 we made choc chip cookies for the girls. it was alot of fun. i also finally got around to trying on C’s cheerdance costume it fits her snugly she things its too tight i’m not sure…since its suposted to be formfitting anyway i’ll talk to her dance teacher see what they say. if i new how to post pic’s on here i’d put a pic up….sigh smg else i need to learn how to do. anyway today was a great day